


Unexpected Vulnerability

by inelegance



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Ash Lynx deserves so much better and I'm not helping, Can you even call this fluff?, Established Relationship, Fluff, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:57:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18118475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inelegance/pseuds/inelegance
Summary: On a night when Ash and Eiji decide to get steamy, Ash realizes that he's not as stable as he wishes he was.





	Unexpected Vulnerability

**Author's Note:**

> i thought of this one day, late at night, and although it might not be 100% in character i wanted to give it a shot. i feel so bad though and i'm so sorry this is kind of all over the place. i love them i promise. hope you enjoy/don't hate it.
> 
> ++title might just be a placeholder until i can find something that speaks to me.++

Inserting his shaky fingers in, Ash flinched when Eiji let out a pained moan. His eyes were clamped shut. Ash felt his arms grow numb and his heartbeat pick up. He took a deep breath and started moving again. Eiji’s voice was amazing. He had to do this, he couldn’t chicken out now and disappoint the older male. He moved closer, taking another deep breath.

“Does it hurt? Is this alright?” Eiji nodded quickly. He opened his eyes again and a few tears slipped out. Ash wanted to kiss them away and hug him and apologize for ever making him cry. However, for a brief moment, he felt calmer. Like he could actually do this. he had to do this. Those words repeated in his head. Inching closer, Ash positioned himself and slowly tried entering Eiji. He focused on Eiji’s breathing, Eiji's voice and Eiji’s body. Anything else that could distract him from the numbing of his own body and mind. Getting only the tip in Eiji, he heard a yelp and flinched once again. He told himself to stay in the present and only the present. This is what Eiji wants, and this what he wanted as well.

Eiji squirmed and groaned underneath him, bracing himself for the rest to come. Ash tried once more before freezing up. Eiji’s breathing was erratic as was his, but for completely different reasons. He started to shake as chills ran down every inch of his body. Everything around Ash started to spin as he was sent backwards in time. Back to a place so far away, yet so vivid and prominent. He wanted to vomit.

Eiji noticed immediately when Ash moved away, clutching his head. He was shaking like never before and his body covered in sweat. Eiji sat up quickly and moved toward Ash. He should’ve known better. Ash has been through more than Eiji could ever imagine. Of course, this was hard for him. He wanted to blame himself and he wanted to blame Dino and Arthur and every person that had ever laid their hand or leg or even their eyes on Ash. Whether it was in a disgusting or malicious or even casual manner. And he was subconsciously adding himself to the list.

“Ash…” He said gently. The younger boy moved away once again, desperately trying to calm himself. He felt pathetic acting like this in front of Eiji. He didn’t want pity or anything. He hated the fact that he wasn’t able to control himself in this situation and show such a weak side to Eiji. He hated it and he hated that everything still had some kind of effect on him. His mind went fuzzy as memories forced their way through the archives of his mind. The hands of all the men that have ever touched him ghosted his skin and, god, he wanted to scream. He didn’t notice his own groans or even the small calls from the male in front of him until the white duvet, that was discarded to the very edge of the bed, was wrapped around his entire body. He opened his eyes and looked at Eiji with clouded eyes.

“Ash, look at me,” Eiji said. His voice was a soft mumble to Ash.

“Look at me, Ash. Focus on me. Focus on your breathing. You can get through this.” This time, he heard him loud and clear. 

“Stay in the present, Ash.” 

Every second made it harder for Ash to breath. Like 3 pairs of hands were fastened on his lungs and 6 more were tight around his throat. For the first time in years, he felt scared to die. Ash had already accepted the fate he would one day have to succumb to a long time ago. But at this very moment, he feared it. He knew it was unlikely, but Ash didn’t want to die remembering the horrible things that happened to him in his past. He wanted to die kicking and screaming or, at the very least, fighting. He wanted to die doing something that mattered. He forced the memories and thoughts and the tactile hallucinations out of his mind and focused on one thing; Living. It shocked him greatly that he would have to resort to clinging onto something he’s resented for so long, however, that road led to something greater; Eiji. Living meant seeing Eiji. Living meant feeling and hearing and touching Eiji. Living meant Eiji.

By the time Ash was somewhat calm, Eiji had already put on his boxers and his white button-up shirt. The buttons were done up in the wrong places and he had only buttoned it up to about the bottom of his pectorals. Ash was still wrapped in the duvet, but naked underneath. He felt hot and cold all at the same time. Eiji had left quickly to go and grab Ash some water per his request and Ash quickly put on his own boxers to save the awkwardness of having his dick flopping around. He took a huge gulp when Eiji returned and buried himself back in the duvet.

“Eiji…” Ash mumbled out. his voice strained and hoarse. Eiji was looking at Ash the whole and there was no real need for Ash to call for his attention but the security and happiness he felt when simply saying his name made him do so. Ash finally looked up at Eiji and found an expression that made him want to cry. It wasn’t pity or anger or a malicious, sadistic grin. It was genuine worry. In his horrible past, whenever he cried and shook and screamed he was met with grins and laughs. No kind of remorse existed in those monsters. It was laughable, really. No matter how many kind people come into his lifeー Blanca, Shorter, Skipper, Max, Ibe and even Sing Soo-Lingー he can never get used to having people genuinely care about him.

His eyes glossed over again and he leaned closer to Eiji. Repeating his name once, twice, three times then four. Until his voice downgraded from a hoarse whisper to a strangled sob. He buried his face in Eiji's chest and cried. Cried over his past, cried over his present and cried for his future. Eiji hesitated before hurriedly wrapping his arms around Ash’s body and squeezing him tight. They clung to each other as Ash lost himself in his emotions. He let himself be vulnerable for once in his life and let himself succumb to his sorrows. Eiji pet him and kissed him and made him feel safe in his arms. And he would gladly do so until the end of time.

“You’re safe, Ash.”


End file.
